January 2010: The Office Back Stabber

You’ve probably referred to this coworker by a few choice names: the phony, the snitch, and a word that rhymes with “snitch.” Sweet to your face but poisonous behind your back, it usually takes a while to discover what this person is really up to (i.e. spreading gossip, betraying information you shared in confidence, and/or tattling on you to the boss). Once you do see through their disguise, you can’t help but be angry and upset. And why wouldn’t you feel that way? You probably held some basic, reasonable expectations that your coworker is behaving the same way in your absence as s/he does in your presence. One hardly ever assumes that someone is pulling strings behind your back, feeding the office rumor mill and deliberately trying to sabotage your success. Now that you’ve learned this isn’t the case, you naturally feel a little scorned and disappointed – sometimes, even with yourself for not catching them in the act a lot sooner.

Few people are capable of keeping their coworkers up at night as much as an office back stabber can. These manipulative colleagues get right inside your head, leaving you to back track, second-guess, and doubt yourself for days. It’s hard not to take their actions personally. Without question, back stabbing stings – not only emotionally, but in the way it can cause some serious damage to your professional reputation as well. However, taking their behavior to heart is the last thing you should do when you’re dealing with a back stabber in the workplace.

The office back stabber does what s/he does because s/he is passive-aggressive. Unable to address a conflict with a coworker – no matter how trivial – the back stabber prefers to resolve problems by using sneaky side-door avenues instead (like talking about people when they aren’t there to defend themselves). In other words, these individuals are afraid of having honest conversations with others because they have difficulty communicating their concerns in a direct way. Your coworker could be having an issue with some aspect of your work – not uncommon, as everyone approaches work tasks from different perspectives. Rather than discussing their concerns with you in a respectful, professional manner, however, this person chose to discuss them with everyone else but you.

Alternatively, some workplace back stabbers are trying to enhance their social status, believing that the best way to score political points and appear important is by talking about others when they’re not there. These types of back stabbers think it improves their image if they succeed in making someone else look bad. They are not so much afraid of having a conflict with you as they are self-serving and disrespectful. These individuals could care a less if they’ve hurt you – stepping over you was necessary in order to advance their interests and achieve their goals. While a passive-aggressive back stabber can make the workplace seem like a high school, a calculating back stabber can make the workplace seem more like a scene from “Gladiator.”

Knowing that their behavior is not about you can help you emotionally detach from a back stabber and not take it personally, although it still leaves you scratching your head, wondering what to do now. The fact is, there is nothing you can really do to change this person – they have to want to change themselves. However, you do have the power to put the brakes on additional back stabbing and salvage your sense of well-being in the workplace by considering the following suggestions:

1) Confront the back stabber on their behavior: The biggest reason this person kept doing what they were doing is because they thought they weren’t going to get caught. Confronting the back stabber on their behavior sends two important messages: one, that they’ve been discovered, and two: the manner in which they are conducting themselves in a professional work environment is unacceptable. Let the person know that if they have a concern in the future, your expectation is that they are bringing it to you directly so the issue can be resolved appropriately. The key is to offer the person a solution rather than simply pointing out the problem. This approach can help put a halt to future back stabbing, although it also puts you in the driver’s seat. Because if your coworker engages in back stabbing again, you now have the go ahead to:

2) Involve your manager: If you’ve had a conversation with your coworker and they continue with their toxic behavior, you always have the option to bring your concerns to the boss. Present specific examples of behaviors you find disrespectful, non-productive, and unprofessional, pointing out how the behavior creates communication errors and low morale in the workplace. Now your coworker’s game playing has become your supervisor’s problem to deal with, and you can return to doing what you are really there to do – your job.

A back stabber in the office can make life difficult for everyone. Their behavior erodes trust and destroys openness between coworkers – essential elements for a productive team and a healthy workplace. But now that you’ve developed a plan for addressing them, you can take some comfort in knowing that they’ll most likely think twice before targeting you for continued behind-the-scenes sabotage.

Stay tuned for next month’s issue: